The great comfort that comes from Psalm 14:6 (that I never noticed before) reminds my downcast heart of my Savior's great comfort, protection, and spiritual sustenance that I needed to hear today...and I didn't even know it. Truly, my God and Father loves me so perfectly in Christ Jesus my Lord, that He knows what I need, even before I ask.

I was greatly comforted by this verse because as Dr. Steve Lawson teaches, the “poor” spoken of in Psalm 14:6 aren’t necessarily those who are poor in the things of this world, but it is speaking of eternal poverty—those who remain dead in their trespasses and therefore, have not the riches of eternal life in Christ our Lord.

In the short clip below, Dr. Steve Lawson does well to teach us that those who hate God's Word; regardless of their profession of loving Him (2 Tim 3:1-8, 12), torment all who desire to live godly lives. Just as Satan masquerades as an angel of light, so do those who are enslaved to do his will (2 Tim 2:24-26).

These past two years, my physical afflictions have increased in severity and frequency due to being tormented and persecuted by Satan, who brought a divisive and harmful soul into my life. As many of you know, our good and wise and sovereign God and Father, deemed me worthy of suffering for the Name for 13 years during my childhood. And now, in my adulthood, my loving and wise God and Father has deemed me worthy of suffering for these past 15 years from the damages done (to most of my organs) from the brutal persecutions of my childhood.

In all these things, I’ve had the high honor and greatest joy of proclaiming the excellencies of Christ my God, whose love far outweighs all the travails of this world (2 Cor 4:16-18).

I’ve been able to successfully flee from the first two places I was tormented by this thorn (Mt 10:23), But when I was followed once again, my heart melted. And I became more depressed and felt all the more trapped after this thorn began seeking to be ministered to as the victim (per usual), while I am not permitted by God (according to Scripture), to say or do anything. So I do the best thing I can. I pray. I pray for my brothers and sisters to have God’s protection, wisdom, comfort, and strength (2 Cor 2:11 and Eph 5:6-16) so that they may not be injured and tempted to sin, as I have been.

I now realize that I’ve been running away from this tormentor due to fear, rather than run to Christ for protection, due to faith.

Even in my prayers, I’ve asked my Father to rid me of this thorn somehow—through granting eternal salvation to this person, or by any means…any means He sees fit—even if it means for me to flee again, or lose all that I hold dear in this life. For He is the LORD, and He is good. And I am reminded by God’s Holy Spirit, His grace is sufficient for me to endure this persecution, and Christ’s power is perfected in me, in my weaknesses.

Therefore, though I will keep praying for relief (no longer removal) of the torment from this thorn, I also thank God that this and all persecutions and trials happen only for my greatest good—to be conformed all the more into the image of His Son. And truly, there is no greater thing in this life or the next, than to be like Jesus!

Yes, it still hurts.

Yes, I still have moments of fearing man, instead of God.

But because my life is hid in Christ, I know assuredly, that though I may have moments of faithlessness, I know that He is always faithfully completing the good work He began in me until I go Home—because He cannot deny Himself (2 Tim 2:13).

So my soul continues to run to my Strong Tower, and with great love and devotion, my heart echos what Kind David wrote in Psalm 40:13-17,

Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me!

     O LORD, make haste to help me!

Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether

     who seek to snatch away my life;

let those be turned back and brought to dishonor

     who delight in my hurt!

Let those be appalled because of their shame

     who say to me, “Aha, Aha!”

But may all who seek you

     rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who love your salvation

     say continually, “Great is the LORD!”

As for me, I am poor and needy,

     but the LORD takes thought for me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

     do not delay, O my God!

I love Psalm 29:11 because it reminds me that true peace is not the absence of conflict with people. True peace, is the absence of conflict with God. And for anyone who has received the peace of God through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, know that there must be conflict with people  in this life, for the Gospel is an offense to all who live in their pride, rather than in Christ.

For 45 years, God has granted me His peace, and considered me worthy of sharing in the sufferings of my Savior. For 13 years the Lord graciously endured me through brutal persecutions, beatings, and slander for proclaiming the Gospel of God's grace, and refusing to denounce the name of Jesus Christ. Because the Spirit of Christ lives in me, I couldn't deny my Lord who suffered and died to be the propitiation and expiation for the sins I committed against the one and only living and holy God.

In the past 14 years, God has considered me worthy of bearing the scars of my Savior. The scars were provided by the 13 years of persecutions. I've had the joy of witnessing the strength of my Savior's grace through 10 surgeries, 4 CT myelograms of my spine, multiple other invasive testings and ER visits and hospital stays, and more specialists than there are colors in the rainbow. I have 16 titanium screws, 2 titanium rods, 1 titanium plate, and 5 artificial discs holding my spine together; sick sinus syndrome that's accompanied by three other arrhythmias (SVTs, PVCs, and PACs); oral lichen planus; degenerative disc disease; osteoarthrosis of my left jaw, bilateral articular disc disorder; severe Vitamin B12 and D deficiencies; non-alcoholic fatty liver disease; secondary hyperparathyroidism due to my Vitamin D deficiency; and a host of other serious medical issues. Due to these things, I'm in daily pain (sometimes debilitating) and therefore must daily take nerve pain medications (and sometimes other pain medications) in order to function as normally as possible. I suffer from depression (and am currently on an SSRI), and rarely have much strength or energy to do my daily chores, let alone serve and love others as unto the Lord Jesus. I have specific things I must eat and drink daily, as well as daily perform physical therapy exercises to help my body function as best as possible.

I don't share any of this to garner sympathy or empathy for myself. I share all of this to display the glorious and mighty works of God in my life (Jn 9:3). Because you see, although my temporal state may seem quite grim, it's not! In spite of all my physical weaknesses and sufferings, I still get to do ordinary things like laundry, cook healthy and tasty meals for my family and many others I love—with eternal intentions. I get to keep my home clean and orderly so that I may continue to produce a peaceful, restful, and loving atmosphere for all who live and visit here. I get to run errands and share the Good News of Jesus Christ with store clerks and other shoppers with whom the Lord graces me with opportunities to love in Jesus' name. I get to make and take meals to the sick, encourage the fainthearted and admonish the idle  (1 Thess 5:14-15). And I get to share the goodness of God with medical staff and other patients and their families and friends at every hospital and medical facility in which the Lord assigns me. I get to do all these things with the strength God supplies me in Christ Jesus (1 Pt 4:10-11)—that all may be enlightened with the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ (2 Cor 4:6).

This is why I gladly boast about my weaknesses. I love to urge and encourage all saints in Christ to daily carry their crosses in order to die to self, and to live all the more abandoned to Christ, our awesome and majestic Lord and Savior (2 Cor 9:9-12, Acts 20:24).

Every one of our lives is a mist. My mist may not last as long as yours. But no matter how short or long God chooses our lives to be, He commands all His children to redeem the time He's given us. We are called by God to live like the wise and not like the unwise. For only the children of the Most High have been given the sight to see—that the days are surely evil (Eph 5:15-17).

It is often said that those who are heavenly-minded are of no earthly good. But this sentiment, in accordance with God's Word, is erroneous. The truth is, it is only those who are heavenly-minded, that can be of any earthly good. For it is only those who perceive all things in this temporal life (relationships, vocations, ministering to others, communicating in person and social media, etc.) with eternal intents, that consider God's will for them and for others, before they proceed with any action. Not that any of us does this perfectly, but intentionally seeking to work out Ephesians 4:29 and Romans 12:1-3 (as well as many other Scriptures) in our lives, ought to be the greatest desire of every saint in Christ.

I close with a prayer from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions. And I pray that your mind, heart, and soul is strengthened today to love God and others with God's eternal will, rather than with your temporal desires and perspective.

"I commend my heart to thy watchful care,

If God meant my salvation to be solely for the purpose of me knowing Him, fellowshiping with Him and fellow saints in spirit and in truth, then why am I still here? Because really, I can do all these things in Heaven. If these things were God's sole purpose, then God, who wastes nothing, would have let me die and called me to glory right after He gave me eternal life in Jesus Christ.

But He didn't. Why?

Because God's sole purpose in saving me wasn't just so I could go to church, remain in a Christian bubble and enjoy fellowship with Him and other believers. God's purpose in saving me and leaving me here on earth was so I could be salt and light to the world—an ambassador of Christ—holding fast to the Word of life in a crooked and perverse generation (Mt 5:13-16, Php 2:14-16).

My Father God has mercifully and abundantly given me the treasures of Heaven through the abiding life of Jesus Christ within me. To have Christ is to have everything. There is nothing greater in this life or the next. To know Christ as my Savior, to be claimed by Him as His own, to be loved perfectly in His holiness and righteousness, to be established as a child of the Most High God—provides the most infinite pleasures of being alive.

Because I have the greatest of all treasures (Jesus Christ) in this jar of clay (my body), though I might feel deep sorrow for the sad news I received this past Wednesday about my heart, I am not left to wallow in the cavernous pit of self, but I am given the great privilege to cry out to my Father and my God in the midst of my affliction. And as Christ did for His disciples when He walked this earth, He still does for us today...He immediately lifts us from sinking in our circumstances (Mt 14:29-31) and fixes our eyes back on Him...where they belong. So when I was told a few days ago that I have an uncommon heart arrhythmia called sick sinus syndrome on top of all my other ailments, and needed a pacemaker, I was disheartened that my tent (my body) continues to rapidly fall apart. But when I cried out the my Father God, as He promised, His Holy Spirit brought to mind all that Jesus has already taught me through His Word, and I was strengthened.

It seems I have many "uncommon" or rare diseases and conditions that constantly put me in the peculiar position of sharing with medical staff and others, why I believe the Lord has allowed these painful health issues to infiltrate my life. For example, when my Cardiologist confirmed what my Cardiac Electrophysiologist already told me the week prior (but I didn't want to believe him), that I needed a pacemaker, he said, "The reason why you need your arrhythmia treated with a pacemaker and possibly with a beta-blocker as well, is because you don't want to be driving down the highway at 65 mph and pass out, or go into cardiac arrest." I said, "Yes, that occurred to me after I had to swallow my pride about not wanting a pacemaker and get back on heart meds at age 46. But when I considered the possibility that my pride might cause injury or death to someone else, I was ready to receive whatever you were going to say I needed. I trust the Lord to speak through you." He quickly responded, "Well, you don't want to injure yourself either. I mean, you want to see 47, don't you?" I smiled and said nothing because I had already explained to him before that no matter what trials come in this life, including one that may take my life, Christ is always with me so I'm not concerned for myself, but for those who may not know Him.

I'm in a win-win situation; others may not be.

When I wonder why I am still here and why I can't go Home yet, rather than remain in my whining state, I speak the words of God to myself; some that I've shared here, and many others I've shared elsewhere. And when I turn away from looking at myself and my circumstances and lift my eyes to the hills where my help comes from—from the Maker of heaven and earth, I am where my soul most delights to be...at the feet of Jesus.

"Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God."

-2 Corinthians 7:1, ESV

It's been a while since I've shared anything about my physical health (my last post was in November 2014). Perhaps you thought the Lord healed me from my serious health afflictions...but He hasn't...yet. And that's okay with me.

I'm now entering my 11th year of constant and often debilitating pain, extreme fatigue, seven surgeries in seven years (my most recent was a few weeks ago). I'm also still adding new specialists to my already large repertoire (an Endocrinologist, Cardiac Electrophysiologist, Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon, and more). In addition to all this, it looks as if I'm going to need at least one more, and possibly two surgeries this year (one for my hyperparathyroidism and the other for a cardiac pacemaker).

The reason it's been so long since I've shared anything about my continually declining health, is because I've wrongly concluded that it's better for me to encourage you rather than burden you with my seemingly, never-ending litany of trials. But when I was discussing this issue with my oldest son earlier today, I realized how wrong I've been not to share more about my weaknesses; because how then, can anyone see Christ's power manifested perfectly in me (2 Cor 12:9-10)?

Though our Father God has graciously allowed me to keep my heart and mind focused on the things eternal rather than on the things temporal—like my physical health, it's wrong of me not to share the pains of this journey with you. So please forgive me.

I want so much for you to be strengthened in your faith, to keep your sights vertical rather than horizontal, that I've neglected to show you how to do that when you're in the trenches...in the heat of the battle between your flesh's desire and your renewed desire to please and honor the Lord.

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God. For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry. With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you; but they will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this is why the gospel was preached even to those who are dead, that though judged in the flesh the way people are, they might live in the spirit the way God does."

-1 Peter 4:1-6, ESV

Because the focus of what I do is not for physical results (comfort and healing), my hope is not deferred and my fervor is not exhausted. Part of my daily regime is to eat healthy, exercise five to six days a week (though it's painful and makes me very ill), drink about 72 ounces of water plus juice daily, and do more than my doctors ask. I don't practice these disciplines because I love my body and want nothing more than to be healed, I do them because I love Christ and know my body belongs to Him, and not me (Gal 2:20).

Some people wrongly assume because I'm so disciplined, it means I'm not tempted by my sinful flesh to gratify it, rather than honor Christ. But I am often tempted and sometimes give into my temptations to be lazy and do nothing; to be mediocre, rather than do all things with excellence as unto the Lord. I'm constantly tempted by my flesh to be so self-absorbed, that at times, I more resemble a black-hole, than a light to the world.

I could use God's grace as an excuse to remain enslaved to my fleshly desires (saying, "I'm only human", "God's not finished with me yet" or "I'm a work in progress"), or I could avail the great and wonderfully freeing gift from God given only to Christians—repentance. My confidence in my Father's forgiveness endows me with spiritual strength to persevere; to run my course and to finish well with urgency, rather than be satisfied with complacency (1 Jn 1:9, Rom 5:1-5).

Sadly, this is not the same experience all professing Christians know and understand. Some who profess Christ as their Lord and Savior live like they're their own lord and savior. They praise Jesus when things go well. And they may even praise Jesus and express trust when trials come their way. But when God's refining fire tests their faith over an extended period of time, their false profession and fruitless deeds are consumed by God's holiness (1 Cor 13:5). As Jesus says, there are those who hear the Gospel and joyfully receive it, but once painful trials come their way, they turn away from the Word rather than turn to it (Lk 8:13).

Those who do not truly know God only "love" Him when they think they can get something by claiming association with Him; including false piety. But when the show of false piety during difficult times gets old, their quick and easy profession of trust in Jesus, just as quickly, produces self-righteous demands, even arrogantly accusing God of not keeping His promises.

Throughout Scripture, we see how our gracious and merciful Father God uses even the fall of man that brought sin and suffering to this world, as a tool to reveal to us where we truly stand with Him: still in our self-righteous sin, or justified by the righteous works of Christ (Gen 3:24, Rom 5:16).

Those who are truly saved will never turn away from God or accuse Him of wrongdoing. Rather, they will turn all the more to Him, crying out to Him night and day, seeking to repent of any sins that are obvious or oblivious to them; begging God to help them see Him clearly and love Him more dearly. Those who abide in Christ will hunger and thirst for righteousness and look to the LORD for help rather than try to seek comfort from unbelievers who can only provide temporal remedies for our physical bodies, but can offer no real comfort for our eternal souls.

I don't remain true to God because I'm holier than others. I remain true to God because I'm keenly aware of the wretch that I am; the utter depravity of my sinful heart and mind, and my growing ineptness to do anything worthy of being called good by the only One who is good. Because I'm so desperately insecure in myself and often terrified of what others think of me or might say or do to me, I cling to Christ all the more and desire to remain hid in Him because He is my Strong Tower—the only place I can be me and feel completely safe, compassionately accepted, perfectly loved, and profoundly secure.

My faith and the life I live are not strong because of me. My faith and life are strong because of the One who holds and owns them both—Jesus Christ the Lord (Gal 2:20).

As I continue to struggle physically and spiritually—to live a life that most pleases, honors and glorifies the Lord, I often grow weary of the fight and am tempted to give up. But when I cry out to the LORD, He lifts me from my miry pit and sets my feet on solid ground (Mt 11:28-30, Ps 40:1-3). If you do the same, you will receive same because I don't have any more of Jesus than you do (Gen 4:6-7). As Burk Parsons wisely said,"We don't need more of Jesus, just less of self. We already have all of Jesus."

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us. but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness! Why should the nations say, 'Where is your God?' Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."

-Psalm 115:1-3; 121:1-2, ESV

"And His mercy is for those who fear Him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm; He has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts; He has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate; He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich He has sent away empty."

~Luke 1:50-53

What does it mean, to give thanks in all circumstances?

In First Thessalonians chapter five, the Apostle Paul closes with a list of things that every Christian ought to do (vv. 12-22), but can't do in our own strength or by our own sheer will. Perhaps we can accomplish some, or all that's on this list, but it would only be a temporary appearance of godly character rather than a faithful and continual walk. For we know if we do not abide in Christ, we will not bear His fruit. And any true godly quality we exhibit is a demonstration of the power of the Holy Spirit within us (1 Cor 2:5), not from our flesh that continually desires the ways of this world.

I often refer to my physical trials as a gift from the Lord and something He has seen fit to work in my life for my greatest benefit. And often, I get questions and comments from people who are outraged by my proclamation that a good and loving God would bring pain into my life. They tell me I'm rather foolish and audacious to claim God would do anything besides make me healthy, wealthy and happy. But that's not what God says.

"For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though He cause grief, He will have compassion according to the abundance of His steadfast love; for He does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."

~Lamentations 3:31-33 (ESV)

In Psalm 119 verses 67 and 71, the psalmist sees the good purposes of afflictions in this life: they keep us from going astray and give us deeper understanding and appreciation for God's holy statutes. The writer of Hebrews also echos this in chapter 12 when he talks about God's loving and faithful discipline, which is painful at the time, but for those who endure and are trained by it, they will yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

~Romans 5:1-5 (ESV)

Wow! Who doesn't want to build endurance, character and hope? Everyone, both believers and non-believers aspire to such a high and noble stature, but this can only be obtained by divine providence; by the power of God's Holy Spirit that indwells the children of the Most High God.

I would be lying if I didn't admit the hardships of these 10 years, with the past five encumbered by many hospital admits, five surgeries, countless procedures and tests, and the acquisition of more specialists than there are colors in the rainbow. Constant physical pain, and I mean pain on the scale from 5 - 10 on good days, every day, non-stop (up until recently) has really worn on me. It was always something, one thing after another. I was either tearing a muscle, a tendon, or an organ wasn't working right or my blood work was out of whack...again. It was a constant dance for my doctors to try to figure out what would help me without causing something else in my highly precarious system to malfunction.

And I'm supposed to be grateful for this? Yes!

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the thing that are unseen are eternal."

~2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)

Did you hear that? Did you hear what our heavenly Father said here? He said that He makes even the most agonizing and grievous things in this life work for our benefit! So then, if God uses even the "bad" experiences to work for our greater good, then the question is, why is suffering a bad thing if it's working good in us and for us—for this life and the one to come?

If this doesn't give you reason to be grateful for whatever you may be suffering today, consider Hebrews 5:7-8, "In the days of His flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to Him who was able to save Him from death, and He was heard because of His reverence. Although He was a son, He learned obedience through what He suffered." We are not greater than Jesus (Lk 6:40), so if He "learned obedience through what He suffered" how much more will we learn? Besides that, let's do a reality check here. Jesus didn't deserve one iota of suffering, but we deserve more suffering than we will ever know because God poured out His wrath on His Son instead of us.

In view of this awesome mercy and grace from God, we should rejoice in the freedom of our salvation and give thanks to God in all and for all circumstances. Our circumstances don't determine our joy; Jesus does, and He's already sealed it by giving us His Holy Spirit.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid...I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world."

~John 14:27, 16:33 (ESV)

P.S. I almost forgot. For those who've been praying and have asked about my heart issues; the meds are working and I'm doing well. Thank you for your prayers and thank you for asking! ♥

There are many (too many) days I have trouble just opening the Word and getting my day started with Praise and Quiet Time in the Lord. I know this isn't a popular thing to share, but it's an honest thing to share about my spiritual walk...or sometimes, lack thereof. Though I could keep this weakness of mine hush hush and only share my accomplishments, my highs and all my joys I have in Christ, I can't do that because it would be disingenuous.

When I remember I'll never be the wisest, kindest or most Christ-like person on this side of Heaven, I am both relieved and spurred on toward holiness (2 Cor 7:1, Eph 4:24, Heb 12:14). This may sound a bit strange—to feel relieved and encouraged by what makes me weak; but in Christ, these seemingly diametric concepts are actually harmonious.

So as not to misunderstand what our Lord Jesus means that we are made "perfect" in verse nine, let me digress for a moment. The Greek phrase used for "is made perfect" in this verse is, τελέω (transliterated, teleō); which means, to bring to an end, complete, fulfill. The verb τελέω is in the present, passive, indicative. This means "is made perfect" is spoken in the present tense (occurring now), in the passive voice (the Apostle Paul is the recipient and not the doer of the action) and in the indicative mood (Jesus Christ, who is speaking, is making a definitive statement).

Therefore, it's clear that Christ is neither telling the Apostle Paul nor any of us that we will, or can ever be "perfect" (without any sin or flaw) on this side of Heaven. There is only one Person who has ever and can ever live a sinless life, and that is the Second Person of the Trinity, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Now that we have the biblically accurate understanding of what Jesus was telling the Apostle Paul about being made perfect, let me clarify a second aspect of this passage. Jesus' power is made perfect, that is complete, fulfilled and most evident in us when we are weak. That doesn't mean that we supposed to go around parading our troubles or wallowing in our weaknesses so the power of Christ will be perfected in us. It means that when we humbly and truthfully recognize our limitations, whether physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, then yield to the Lord and cry out for His help, we can more clearly witness the demonstration and power of the Holy Spirit working in and through us to accomplish whatever God has called us to (Phil 2:13, 1 Cor 2:4-5).

"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light."

~Jesus the Christ (Matthew 11:28-30, ESV)

So on those many days, sometimes weeks and sometimes months I have a hard time just opening my Bible, I remember that God is fully aware of this weakness in me (Ps 103:13-14). And I rejoice in the supernatural help from Christ, who was tempted in every way to sin, yet was without sin (Heb 4:15-16).

When I admit my weaknesses before God and humbly seek His help, He immediately answers as He always does (Mt 20:34, Ps 65:5) and He helps me to remember how to worship, and why I so desperately need to commune with Him through reading, meditating and studying His Word.

It's in these moments, I remember why I've always called my time with the Lord, "Praise and Quiet Time"—because I always start with a song of praise, which moves me to open my Bible, and beckons me to bask in the quietness of communion with Him through "sitting at Jesus' feet" and listening intently to every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord.

Personally, I've found hymns are the best help for me because all hymns are either based on Scripture, or references Scripture. After I have my time of worshiping the Lord in song, I read the Scripture associated with the hymn, then read the entire chapter that particular verse is found in. The next thing I know, I'm in full blown worship; sitting quietly at Jesus' feet, in awesome wonder of how every one of His words illuminates my mind and soul.

"Lord, speak to me that I may speak in living echoes of Your tone;
as You have sought, so let me seek Your erring children lost and lone.

"O teach me, Lord, that I may teach the precious things You do impart;
and wing my words, that they may reach the hidden depths of many a heart.

"O fill me with Your fullness, Lord, until my very heart o'er-flow
in kindling thought an glowing word Your love to tell, Your praise to show.

"O use me, Lord, use even me, just as You will and when and where;
until Your blessed face I see, Your rest, Your joy, Your glory share."

~Hymn by Frances R. Havergal, 1872

(published in the Trinity Hymnal)

Ever since Robin Williams' death and alleged suicide, there has been much talk in private conversations as well as mass media coverage and personal blog posts. I generally stay out of these "hot" topics because there's already been more saturation of a certain issue than necessary.

So, as unusual as it is for me to write about the topic of depression and suicide after we've all been immersed in volumes of words over the past few days, I am writing about it. Not to join in and repeat what's already been said, but to bring a heavenly perspective to it so that all who read this, might find true hope.

I don't share this often, and especially not in public. But I feel it's time now that I must, so that the work of God may be displayed in my life (John 9:3) even in the depths of sorrow.

When I was 15 years old, I became so depressed by all that I suffered and all the horrid evils that were hurled at my little frail body since I was four, I wanted to escape. Brutally persecuted for being a Christian for 11 years, raped twice, stalked by a neighbor in his late twenties for nearly seven years and bombarded by teen hormones and the cruelty of high school life...I was done.

Seeing no other way out, I made my first attempt to take the life God gave me. Back in those days, we didn't have coated pills, so when I tried to overdose, the pills began to melt in my watery hands as I leaned over the sink to cup water in my hands, swallowing as many pills at one time, as quickly as possible. But since so many melted, I also took a host of other medications I found in our medicine cabinet. I made myself very ill and remember waking up in bed with no one in my family knowing what happened. At least I don't think they did. We never talked about it.

My second attempt was to jump out my two-story window. I did, but not realizing it wasn't high enough, to my great disappointment, and being an athlete, I subconsciously landed well and only sprained my ankle. Feeling even more desperate at two failed attempts and worried that by now, my family might suspect something and try to stop me, I quietly began formulating another plan. And this time, it would be fail-proof....and it was. I won't share what I planned lest I give anyone ideas. But trust me, it was fail-proof.

After carefully plotting and planning my last days here on earth. I exhibited what many suicidal people do. I was happier than I'd ever been. And everyone noticed. I went from being sullen, bitter and desperately hopeless, to extreme bliss and peace nearly overnight! Why? Because I had finally decided and knew without a doubt, my plan to take my own life (the one I had no right to take because I'm not the Author of it) was finally in view. It was over. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel...so I thought.

You see, I was saved when I was four, so during all these calamities I was a Christian. Yet, in great despair, as a Christian, I had no other Christians around me who cared enough to love me through this.

But there was always God. And for a time, it seemed enough, until I took my eyes off Jesus and put them on myself and others.

I was determined to leave this miserable place and go Home to eternal bliss before my Savior!

But there was always God. And, there was the way He made me. Jesus said, "Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Mk 14:38) and it is written, "if we are faithless, He remains faithful—for He cannot deny Himself." (2 Tim 2:13), and again it is written, "And I am sure of this that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil 1:6).

I had no tender heart to help me out of the cesspool of depression and suicidal inclinations, whether in this world or within the Body of Christ.

But there was always God. God my Father who created me for His purpose. God my Father who called me to Himself by gracing me with the gift of repentance that leads to salvation. God my Father who called me His own, through faith in His one and only begotten Son. God my Father who saw the horrible sins done to me and even those I did to others, gifted me and purposed me to love Him and others—greater than myself. So as I sat down to write my suicide note, and read over it, I realized my prevailing thought, "Let me write this, sharing what signs and symptoms a suicidal person displays so that when I'm gone and others read it, it will help other people who may know someone who's suicidal and help them."

This curious suicide note caused me to pray, "Lord, please make sure this note gets into the right hands so it will help many. Please open the blind eyes of people, especially in the church who are so wrapped up in their own lives, they can't see the brutal nakedness of those who are hurting...right before their very eyes. And Lord, please don't be angry with me. Oh Lord! Will you be angry with me? I never thought of that!"

In all the time I carefully planned the taking of my own life, I never thought about what God might think about all this. I was consumed with what I thought and how I thought others would feel. My singular focus was inward and horizontal rather than vertical. No wonder I remained in such despair.

Remembering Psalm 139, I saw clearly I would grieve God if I took my own life because He created me and numbered and ordained all my days before any of them began (Ps 139:16). His purpose is greater than mine. And His glorious love is greater than any pain I will ever suffer here. Convinced of the truth of the Gospel and from the whole counsel of God through His perfect Word, I no longer cared about what others did or said. I cared more about what my holy, good, and merciful God and Father did, is doing, and will continue to do to and for me, in Christ Jesus the Lord. I was once again living in the freedom Christ suffered and died to give me. I was no longer enslaved by the tactics of Satan's deception and my own sinful flesh that desired my will over God's will.

Depression isn't pretty. Suicidal thoughts and attempts, failed or successful aren't pretty either. But God, my Christ, is always gloriously beautiful and His ways and thoughts are infinitely greater and higher than ours! Trying to comfort people who are depressed and/or suicidal in the dark caverns of confusion and desperation, with the ways of this world...is not good...it is not helpful.

It is written, "'All things are lawful,' but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful,' but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." (1 Cor 10:23-24) Whether we do the most mundane things in life, like eating and drinking, we are to do it all things for the glory of God. We are commanded to love God with everything we have and love others as ourselves. However, we are not commanded to love God and others the way we want and think is best. And human philosophies, pretty painted words and emotion-filled ideologies of comfort, hope and peace, are neither helpful nor do they build up.

Rather than turn hurting hearts and tear-filled eyes toward heaven, toward Christ, we try to comfort others by allowing them to remain inward and horizontal—the place where the despair began and swells. Rather than mourn with those who mourn and give them time to weep over the heartaches, praying the entire time so that we can clearly hear God say, "The time of mourning is over, now get up and walk", we sit too long in another person's cesspool. In this, we are not seeking the good of our neighbor, but we are seeking our own good, because if we're honest with ourselves, we do this because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It makes us "feel" like we're helping them, though God says we are not.

If you know someone who is depressed, you first need to pray before you intervene because only God knows if the depression is a faith issue caused by sin (theirs or others), or a medical issue. Then prepare by immersing yourself in Scripture so you can be strong enough to actually help the person suffering from depression rather than falling for the deceptive practices of this world yourself (1 Cor 10:12).

Remember, the only help we can offer anyone in need is the hope found in Jesus Christ alone. For this alone is true hope. In Christ alone can anything in this miserable world make sense and make us want to press on...for He who suffered more than any human being ever has or ever will, yet was without sin, suffered for our sake; reconciling us to God.

Desiring to take your own life is a sin.

But there is always God. Trust Him and look to Him; not yourself or others. Only the Gospel saves. Only the Gospel heals. Only the Gospel restores and produces right thinking and praise.

"Be not wise in your eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil... The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death... Truly no man can ransom another, or give to God the price of his life, for the ransom of their life is costly and can never suffice, that he should live on forever and never see the pit... [but] Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered... The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit... As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust."

~Proverbs 3:7, 14:27;

Psalm 49:7-9, 32:1, 34:18, 103:13-14 (ESV)

Imagine being invited to a reconciliation meeting. You're excited to get some painful issues resolved in the love of Christ and arrive with great expectations. Then suddenly, out of nowhere your heart is riddled with a barrage of friendly fire. Fabricated accusations based on the testimony of known false witnesses are shot at you with such rapid succession, you're instantly disoriented and gravely wounded.

You can hardly catch your breath from this surprise and most unexpected attack. And you struggle to see clearly through the muddle.

To make things worse, prior to this ambush, you were already suffering from heartache, sleepless nights, depressing days; and the extreme anguish that every prodigal causes a parent.

You entered the room deeply wounded, but with great hope, you came to sow peace. Instead, you leave crippled by heartless and unfounded accusations coupled by the lack of compassion and grace offered by the other witnesses in the room.

I don't have to imagine this, because it happened to me and sadly, I know this is not an isolated incident; it's happened to many, and perhaps, it's happened to you.

If you've suffered painful friendly fire from fellow Christians as I have, please hear my following words as words of comfort, understanding and encouragement to you. We all need biblical accountability, so please accept my words as an arm around your injured shoulder rather than a finger jabbing into your raw wound.

Though I was unjustly accused and though there were legitimate reasons for me to be hurt, after much prayer and meditating on God's Word, I realized the ambush began before the meeting...at least it did for me.

It's difficult when Christians falsely accuse one another, but when a person ambushes themselves...well, that just exposes a deeper level of human depravity.

Sound strange? How can a person ambush themselves? I'll tell you how. First you have to be injured, justly or unjustly, it doesn't matter. Then you have to wallow in self-pity rather than submerge yourself in the Word of God. After you've taken these necessary steps, then you have to enter every conversation about your injury with the heart to be heard rather than enter with a heart to listen to the Holy Spirit's leading (Matt 27:12). If you follow these steps precisely, you too will be able to accomplish the rare feat of ambushing yourself, like I have. But I don't recommend it.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? 'I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.'"

~Jeremiah 17:9-10 (ESV)

You see, according to God, our omniscient and sovereign Creator, before we deceive others, we first deceive ourselves. It sounds like a strange thing to do, deceive oneself. But sin has a way of making even the strongest person (like Samson) succumb to irrational thinking and behavior.

One of the dangers of self-deception is self-pity. It's so dangerous because most don't view it as harmful. As a matter of fact, most of us (including me) can be fooled into believing it's acceptable and too often, we Christians support one another in it rather than rebuke one another from it (Prov 27:6).

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not denying we're all human and need time to heal from unjust attacks. But if we turn to one another over and over again, not to be lifted with God's Word, but only to gain a sympathetic crowd so we can mull over the gory details repeatedly; we're not in the right. Asaph knows this well (cf. Psalm 73).

Rather than prepare myself for that reconciliation meeting with much Scripture reading, study and meditation so that my spirit was better inclined to the Holy Spirit (Ps 119:33-40), I entered with my pain alone. So it's no surprise, that's all I left with.

This situation I put myself in is no different than a soldier going into battle without all his gear and armor. As God's holy and dearly beloved children, we're well-equipped and given the most impenetrable armor—the armor of God (Eph 6:10-17). And like a fool, I left home without it and was wrongly shocked when I sustained caustic injury.

Only the weak continually blame others and wallow in self-pity. But those of us who have been born of the Spirit of Christ have been given every spiritual blessing and provision (Eph 1:18-19, 2 Pet 1:3-4) to stand up from under the sinful desires of our dead flesh and walk in the newness of life (1 Cor 10:13, Rom 6:4-7).

Jesus Christ unjustly suffered spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically more than any human being who has lived, is living and will ever live. Yet, He remained steadfast in prayer (Lk 5:16), so that in everything He might bring glory, honor and praise to the Father alone. And because of the Father's love and great mercy on us, by His grace He has called us higher than we could ever hope to travel in our own strength—the narrow road to holiness (1 Pet 1:13-16).

Because Christ suffered, died and was raised from the dead, those who are in Him have been raised to bear His reproach and also His victory over sin. Therefore we don't have to give into self-pity and wallow in the cesspool of "poor me" or "oh my". No, we do what Job did and recognize that in love, God allows both evil and good to come to our lives, and that is where we find out greatest comfort and strength.

Next time you're tempted to wallow in the vanity of self-pity ask yourself what I'm now committed to asking myself, "If God allows both pleasures and pains to come to my life for my greatest good (conformity to the image of Christ), then how can I love one and despise the other?"

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers...So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

~Romans 8:28-29, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)

"Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that His hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end." (John 13:1, ESV)

No matter how many times I read this verse, I'm always in awe of what it says. While Jesus was fully aware of the utter torment and anguish He was about to endure that very night, His thoughts were not on Himself and what horrors would befall Him, but His full attention and love were fixed on His beloved apostles.

The original Greek for the phrase "loved them to the end" means that Jesus demonstrated God's perfect and pure (agape) love to His disciples, continually and fully; to completion, even in His darkest hour.

I'm in a dark place right now as my heart aches deeply for our youngest son, our prodigal, who is no longer walking in God's truth, but walking rebelliously in the deceptive world where truth is relative rather than absolute. While in this dark time, I often struggle with depression which causes me to disparage every new day, sure it will be filled with more sorrow upon sorrow.

But when I run to the LORD for help and protection (Prov 18:10), I get to read passages like this one in John 13. Immediately the Lord lifts me (Matt 14:30-31) out of the miry pit of despair and sets my feet on solid ground, making my steps secure. He puts a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to my God (Ps 40:1-3) and I am saved from the gravity of sadness that continually tries to pull me back.

When I read John 13 verse one, I'm encouraged that though my Lord and Savior looked straight onto the dire anguish of the Cross, He never forgot His disciples, whom He loved, and considered their low estate (Phil 2:4-8). Rather than be consumed with Himself and what He would suffer, Jesus was more concerned about His disciples and what they were about to suffer...though incomparable to His own suffering. And in His great love for them, He prayed for their protection, their unity, their love for God and one another, and that the Gospel would go forth to all the world.

Jesus' thoughts were on the Father's glory, His will and our greatest good―eternal salvation.

This is encouraging to me because in 1 Corinthians two verse 16 we're told that God has given us the mind of Christ! Having repented of my sins and trusted fully in the Son of God for my life, I am sealed with the Holy Spirit who alone knows the mind of the Father (1 Cor 2:10-11) and now through Christ, is given also to me. Rather than be enslaved to my own tormenting thoughts, I am free to fix my mind on the things above rather than on the things below. Because of Jesus' finished work on the Cross, I have been empowered from on high to think on that which is: true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise (Phil 4:8).

Like Christ my Savior who did this over 2,000 years ago in John 13, I too can do and am doing―meditating on God's promises, considering what most pleases the Father; and after looking upward, I look outward to seek whom I may love and serve to the end.

"always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies... So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we do not look to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

~2 Corinthians 4:10, 16-18 (ESV)

No matter where you find yourselves today: physically, emotionally or spiritually, if by faith, you've repented and trusted in Jesus Christ, then be encouraged that you too have this rich and glorious gift in Him; the freedom to live fully in Christ (Gal 2:20) and perceive this life in the magnificent light of what's waiting for us in Heaven (1 Cor 13:12).

Read Psalm 22 today. Then thank Jesus for all He endured for you so that you might become something neither you nor anyone else could ever make you to be―a holy and beloved child of God Most High.

Just as our Savior did, we should do also; live in this world, but never be of it (Jn 17:14-18, Rom 12:2, 1 Jn 3:1-3).

May you all have a blessed and joyous time celebrating our Lord's Resurrection Day.

Peace be with you.