As many of you know, I daily face many serious and painful health challenges. To quote one of my 12 specialists, I have a very "eventful medical history".

And the events continue.

In February of this year,my stellar Optometrist, Dr. Jeff Thomas, found a tiny spot near the macula of my left eye and some bleeding in my back of my right eye. But nothing to be too concerned with at the time.

This past week, my vision began to decrease daily; especially in my left eye. I didn't tell my darling husband Jim until yesterday, because he always makes me call a doctor. The only reason I told him at all, was because my sight has become so hindered in just the past few days, I was sure he would notice. So, to stay out of trouble, I shared it with him as merely an FYI situation. So if he notices that I can't see something, then he'll have a heads up. The end.

Unfortunately, my darling Jim mistook my simple FYI for a, "Should I call the doctor?" Long story short, per my husband's direction, I called my Dr. Thomas' office only to obey my husband and give them an update. I knew that they were only seeing emergency cases, and was sure this would not fall under that category. So though I felt this call unnecessary, I did as my darling husband asked.

The options Dr. Thomas' office is kindly offering patients is: phone triage, update to her manager and/or Dr. Thomas to let them determine if we can simply do a triage phone call, tele-visit, or in-person visit.

After Dr. Thomas called me yesterday, he determined that I needed to be seen in person for further testing. And he made an appointment to be seen earlier this morning.

We found out that since February, the teeny tiny spot near my macula in my left eye has grown quite a bit in a short amount of time. I now have two cysts that are causing swelling near my macula—cystoid macular edema (CME). And a little thinning of my retinal matter in my right eye. This explains why my eyesight is very blurry, colors are dull, and I have some blind spots in my vision.

And here I thought it was all just hormonal imbalance. Of course, I initially blame all my declining health issues on hormonal imbalance. And so far, I'm batting a thousand (obviously, I jest).

After his findings, Dr. Thomas informed me that I'd have to see a Retina Specialist. But the Ophthalmologist that's at the top of his list is difficult to get into. He said that he'd try to get me in within the next two or three weeks. Shortly after I arrived home, Dr. Thomas' office called me and informed me that I have an appointment with the Retina Specialist, tomorrow, at noon.

So here we go again.

Surprisingly, though I am not looking forward to add to my already "eventful medical history", I'm not at all afraid or the least bit anxious. The first thought that came to mind was, "Should I lose my eyesight, these eyes can still see the LORD." And having that thought be the first thing to pop into my mind, was planted there by my God and Father, to set my feet on solid ground, making my steps secure; regardless of how well I can see the physical steps I take.

No matter how well I can or cannot see with these temporal and physical eyes, it has no adverse effect on how well I can or cannot see my LORD. For my God is always with me, and what He sees and perceives, is what I get to see and perceive, in Christ Jesus my Lord.

My life is not determined by anything in this world. I am not limited by any physical space or  time. I am free in Christ, to live exactly as He has ordained for me to live—in His good and perfect will.

For those of you who are led by the Holy Spirit to pray for me. Please follow His leading and not your own. Please pray as our Lord Jesus taught us to pray, for God's will and not our will. And what is His will for this? It's the same as He said in John 9:3, and so many other passages of Scripture that speak of the glory, honor, and exaltation of God and His gracious and merciful Gospel of peace. So, in that vein, please pray for me to have the courageous and loving compassion of Christ, to "see" people the way He sees them: lost or found. And pray that in so doing, that I may seek to do good to others, rather than seek comfort or any good for myself. For I already have more than I need through the glorious and inexplicable riches of Christ Jesus.

(If you're wondering, yes, this was very difficult to type. So if you see typos or strange sentence structure, that is why. And if you don't see any errors, thanks be to God!)

As my earthly tent continues to weaken, due to the the 13 years in which the Lord Jesus carried me through a brutal and torrential storm of persecution, my mind and heart delight in these words from my Lord,

All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst…”

On January 8, 2020, I will undergo my 3rd heart surgery (cardiac ablation for atrial fibrillation) and 13th surgery within an 11-year-period of time. Less invasive methods for my fifth arrhythmia have already been tried and found to be ineffective. My most recent physical affliction has caused me to daily suffer from extreme fatigue, light-headedness, headaches, and nausea, with occasional incidences of near syncope. I’ve had adjustments made to my pacemaker to help prevent a heart attack, and prescribed a blood thinner to help prevent blood clots and stroke.

To compound the stress put on my worn and weary heart, I’ve also been suffering a great deal from a “thorn” of Satan (spiritual persecution from a professing believer).

It is easy to be dismayed when my eyes are focused on the here and now, on myself and others, rather than on the there and then, and on my God and Father. But when I lift my eyes to the hills, where my help comes from; from the Maker of Heaven and earth, then though I can only dimly see eternal things, it is still a more beautiful and truer sight of what is real, and perfectly good. And in the light of what awaits me in my Forever Home with Christ my God, I feel I can perceive all things here, even more lucidly.

Therefore, shall I complain of my sufferings—minuscule in comparison to what my Lord suffered for my sake? Shall I be perplexed by the fiery trials of unmitigated and unfounded disdain? Shall I desire less hardships in this life, than what my Lord taught me to expect in His Word? Shall I be surprised by the insults and hatred of false professors who practice the works of the flesh (idolatry, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger; Gal 5:19-21)?

No. I shall not refuse what my Lord uses to refine me. Rather, I ask for it. I ask that people will see Christ and the holiness of God, rather than see me. I pray that if in so doing, people misunderstand and mistake my own character—of weakness, frailty, and fear of man, for the character of Christ—humility, strength, and steadfastness.

In Matthew 10:34-36 and 1 Peter 4:12-14, my Father has faithfully reminded me that though those who feign victimhood receive comfort and encouragement, and it seems that I am left out in the cold, because of Christ, this is an impossibility. The truth is, all who are in Christ, are hid and sealed in the hand of the Almighty who is a consuming fire. And we are therefore, always warmed and kept safe by His divine hand, whether or not He allows people to participate in this compassionate work of His grace in truth.

Remembering this, I am able to endure the loss of all things (bodily health, beloved relationships), for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, my First and Greatest Love, and my most magnificent and sufficient Portion forever. For I have none in Heaven but my LORD. And there is none on earth that I desire equal to or above Him. Though my flesh and my heart fail me, because God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever, I have the inexplicable happiness and highest honor of being able to daily feed from God’s Word, and drink from His Holy Spirit—having my hunger and thirst wholly satisfied beyond what I even knew was possible.

‘Come unto me and drink’…Not, come and take a hasty draught; not, come and slightly alleviate, or for a short time remove one’s thirst. No! ‘drink,’ or ‘be drinking’ constantly, habitually.

Do not let us change the Savior’s words…It is not ‘Whosoever has drunk,’ but ‘Whosoever drinketh.’ It is not one isolated draught he speaks, or even many, but of the continuous habit of the soul. In John 6:35, also, the full meaning is this, ‘He who is habitually coming to me shall by no means hunger, and he who is believing on me shall no means thirst.’ The habit of coming in faith to him is incompatible with unmet hunger and thirst…

It seems to me that where many of us err is in leaving our drinking in the past, while our thirst continues present. What we need is to be drinking—yes, thankfully for each occasion which drives us to drink ever more deeply of the living water.

1 Peter 4:1-5.

I love Psalm 29:11 because it reminds me that true peace is not the absence of conflict with people. True peace, is the absence of conflict with God. And for anyone who has received the peace of God through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, know that there must be conflict with people  in this life, for the Gospel is an offense to all who live in their pride, rather than in Christ.

For 45 years, God has granted me His peace, and considered me worthy of sharing in the sufferings of my Savior. For 13 years the Lord graciously endured me through brutal persecutions, beatings, and slander for proclaiming the Gospel of God's grace, and refusing to denounce the name of Jesus Christ. Because the Spirit of Christ lives in me, I couldn't deny my Lord who suffered and died to be the propitiation and expiation for the sins I committed against the one and only living and holy God.

In the past 14 years, God has considered me worthy of bearing the scars of my Savior. The scars were provided by the 13 years of persecutions. I've had the joy of witnessing the strength of my Savior's grace through 10 surgeries, 4 CT myelograms of my spine, multiple other invasive testings and ER visits and hospital stays, and more specialists than there are colors in the rainbow. I have 16 titanium screws, 2 titanium rods, 1 titanium plate, and 5 artificial discs holding my spine together; sick sinus syndrome that's accompanied by three other arrhythmias (SVTs, PVCs, and PACs); oral lichen planus; degenerative disc disease; osteoarthrosis of my left jaw, bilateral articular disc disorder; severe Vitamin B12 and D deficiencies; non-alcoholic fatty liver disease; secondary hyperparathyroidism due to my Vitamin D deficiency; and a host of other serious medical issues. Due to these things, I'm in daily pain (sometimes debilitating) and therefore must daily take nerve pain medications (and sometimes other pain medications) in order to function as normally as possible. I suffer from depression (and am currently on an SSRI), and rarely have much strength or energy to do my daily chores, let alone serve and love others as unto the Lord Jesus. I have specific things I must eat and drink daily, as well as daily perform physical therapy exercises to help my body function as best as possible.

I don't share any of this to garner sympathy or empathy for myself. I share all of this to display the glorious and mighty works of God in my life (Jn 9:3). Because you see, although my temporal state may seem quite grim, it's not! In spite of all my physical weaknesses and sufferings, I still get to do ordinary things like laundry, cook healthy and tasty meals for my family and many others I love—with eternal intentions. I get to keep my home clean and orderly so that I may continue to produce a peaceful, restful, and loving atmosphere for all who live and visit here. I get to run errands and share the Good News of Jesus Christ with store clerks and other shoppers with whom the Lord graces me with opportunities to love in Jesus' name. I get to make and take meals to the sick, encourage the fainthearted and admonish the idle  (1 Thess 5:14-15). And I get to share the goodness of God with medical staff and other patients and their families and friends at every hospital and medical facility in which the Lord assigns me. I get to do all these things with the strength God supplies me in Christ Jesus (1 Pt 4:10-11)—that all may be enlightened with the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ (2 Cor 4:6).

This is why I gladly boast about my weaknesses. I love to urge and encourage all saints in Christ to daily carry their crosses in order to die to self, and to live all the more abandoned to Christ, our awesome and majestic Lord and Savior (2 Cor 9:9-12, Acts 20:24).

Every one of our lives is a mist. My mist may not last as long as yours. But no matter how short or long God chooses our lives to be, He commands all His children to redeem the time He's given us. We are called by God to live like the wise and not like the unwise. For only the children of the Most High have been given the sight to see—that the days are surely evil (Eph 5:15-17).

It is often said that those who are heavenly-minded are of no earthly good. But this sentiment, in accordance with God's Word, is erroneous. The truth is, it is only those who are heavenly-minded, that can be of any earthly good. For it is only those who perceive all things in this temporal life (relationships, vocations, ministering to others, communicating in person and social media, etc.) with eternal intents, that consider God's will for them and for others, before they proceed with any action. Not that any of us does this perfectly, but intentionally seeking to work out Ephesians 4:29 and Romans 12:1-3 (as well as many other Scriptures) in our lives, ought to be the greatest desire of every saint in Christ.

I close with a prayer from The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions. And I pray that your mind, heart, and soul is strengthened today to love God and others with God's eternal will, rather than with your temporal desires and perspective.

"I commend my heart to thy watchful care,

One of the numerous things that I've come to thank God for during these 13 years of constant physical pain and weakness, is the revelation that pain is not, and cannot be the determining factor of when and why and how I choose to live—only the Word of God determines that. Physical pain and weakness and suffering are not even close to being the worse thing I, nor anyone on this earth can experience. A life lived outside of God's good and perfect will, is the worse thing anyone (both rebellious believers and unbelievers) can experience.

Because I'm so weak and in much pain today, my darling husband, once again, planned what we call "home church service". We always use a sermon from Parkside Church (www.parksidechurch.com) because we trust Alistair Begg's soundly biblical preaching, and because Parkside posts the entire service (announcements, prayers, worship songs, sermon, closing benediction). Providing the entire worship service, is a refreshing gift to people like me.

Today, my darling husband prepared the lyrics to the songs (as always), and the sermon from a couple of weeks ago, given by one of our beloved teachers/preachers, Dr. Sinclair Ferguson. He preached on Romans 8:28-32 and reminded his hearers that it is not sufficient to preach the Gospel to ourselves daily, but we need to preach the Gospel to our circumstances as well. For in the Gospel, the righteousness of God is revealed (Rom 1:16-17) and thus, renews and transforms our minds and hearts to rightly view all of life with the awe-inspiring and healthy fear of the LORD.

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have good understanding. His praise endures forever!"

~Psalm 111:10, ESV

During my praise and quiet time this morning, one of the chapters included in the Bible reading plan I use, was 2 Corinthians 11. When I got to verse 30, "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.", I realized this is something I rarely do. I often boast of Christ crucified (as every Christian ought), and I often boast about the good works of God displayed through the hands of His children. I've boasted about my Lord Jesus' power made perfect in my weaknesses. But today, it hit me...I don't often boast about things that show my weakness.

It's difficult to do because I don't know what's enough or too much. And to be honest, I try to forget about all the pain and weakness I constantly feel, because who wants to hear about it? Most people don't. I've had numerous occasions when I've tried to share and either the person is clearly disinterested or they interrupt and change the subject to something funny or cheerful. Some people wrongly judge me and think I'm making excuses to get out of volunteering for something, or serving them somehow. Others think I'm a hypochondriac and am just making all this up for attention because I don't look sick.

And that's the most difficult struggle with my "illness"—it's not easily visible to the naked eye. It's only visible to the loving eye. But sadly, it seems the loving eye, is the one most of us rarely use to see God, others, or ourselves. We look at one another with a roving eye, a rolling eye, a disinterested eye, an envious eye, the eye of hatred and disgust, and the eye of arrogance and false-piety. Rarely do we look up to our awesome Father God with the eye of holy love, adoration and gratitude, and thus, rarely do we look at one another that way.

If we're honest, we'll admit, that the majority of the time we look to our Father is when we want to feel better about ourselves, our situation, or sadly...even our sins. Rarely do we look to our Father to wound our pride and sin-filled desires with His faithful rebuke and rod of discipline. There's nothing wrong with looking to the LORD for comfort and help (we're commanded to). But our sights are unbalanced if we rarely, or never look to Him for the latter.

To the naked eye, I look well. As a matter of fact, some even say I look fit, healthy, and vibrant. I'm 47 years old and our oldest son is 23, yet I'm often mistaken for his sister, girlfriend or wife. By the sheer look of things, I appear to be the picture of health. But I'm not. Inside, I'm a mess. Inside, I look like my son's great-grandmother. And I'd rather look old on the outside than feel this way on the inside.

But since I was convicted to boast in the things that make me weak, let me give you a glimpse of some of those things.

I had to have my first emergency surgery eight years ago when my gall bladder burst, causing me to have sepsis. I have sixteen titanium screws, two titanium rods, one titanium plate and five artificial discs holding my spine together.

I still have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, two kidneys that don't clear well, oral lichen planus, degenerative disc disease, hyperparathyroidism, migraines, and sick sinus syndrome. I have a host of other conditions, but I think you get the picture. My insides are a train wreck. This is why I've had eight surgeries in seven years, countless procedures in between, multiple ER visits and hospital admits, and more specialists than there are colors in the rainbow. And this is why I'm in constant pain and weakness.

But for whatever reason, my wise, good and sovereign Father God has chosen my outside to appear to be the complete opposite of what my insides look like. This makes it difficult for most people to see how much I'm hurting daily and how truly difficult simple tasks like, eating, cooking, cleaning, and meeting someone for lunch or coffee is for me.

It takes a loving eye to notice that I'm pressing firmly on the side of my face, next to my ear because I'm in extreme pain while talking or chewing due to the discs dislocations on both sides of my jaw. It takes a loving eye to notice that I keep changing positions whether I'm standing or sitting because I'm hurting so bad and have to move constantly in order to shift the pain from one area to another. Due to my rebellious nature, I'm somewhat ambidextrous and can do many things with my left hand just as well as I do them with my right. So it takes a loving eye to notice that I'll start eating, writing, cooking or doing things with my left hand rather than with my right because my right shoulder, arm and hands are too weak, or they're in too much pain to move.

Only those who look at me with the eye of love, can see all these little ways where I exhibit how much pain and weakness I'm suffering from right before their eyes. And thus, most of the time, I suffer in obscurity—but I'm never alone. Through it all, my gracious Savior, who's suffered and endured more pain and heartache than any human being can imagine, understands how I feel and has compassion on me. Compared to what Christ suffered for my sake, everything I just mentioned here is like a cake walk. It's not even in the same league. But I will boast today, and endeavor to boast more often, of the things that make me weak, so that it can be more clearly seen that if I can do anything, no matter how small or easy it may seem to others, it is only by the great might and grace of God that I am able to do anything.

"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong...For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us...So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, so we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal...[Therefore] I do not consider my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God...[for] Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all.

-2 Corinthians 12:10, Romans 8:18, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Acts 20:24, Philippians 2:17

May God teach us all to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom, and die to self daily, so we can live for Christ daily.

**NOTE: Before you comment or send me an email with remedies and an array of solutions for all these things that make me weak, please know that it's due to the severe damage done to me because of the sins of others whom I will never publicly shame, and therefore, will never publicly mention. Thank you for understanding.

Though it's an icky thought to have an electronic device (pacemaker) in my chest and two electrical wires (leads) in two chambers of my heart (right atrium and ventricle), I'm grateful to the LORD for providing this medical intervention that's making my heart beat as often as it should and gradually elevate as necessary, with activity.

I have a six week recovery that includes not being able to raise my left arm above my head, bear down on it, extend it back, etc. so as not to pull the leads out of my heart, which would require another surgery to put them back in. And for the first two weeks, I can't drive or do much of anything but rest, and possibly, some very light activity. Six weeks gives the tissue in my heart enough time to surround the leads and hold them in place. I never realized how many things I have to do that causes me to have to put my arms above my head (wash and brush my hair, getting dressed, reaching for a drinking glass, etc.), bear down on it (opening prescription meds, closing food lids) and extending it backward (to scratch an itch, to wash, get dressed, etc). This has caused severe pain in my right shoulder and arm due to overuse. So, I'll have to get this figured out too...perhaps...I just need to rest more.

Pain in the Flesh

I misread my care instructions and began some "normal" daily activity the day I got home from the hospital (e.g., unload the dishwasher, try to write this update). It turns out, I was supposed to pretty much do nothing but rest the first three days, and possibly have some very light activity for the next two weeks. Due to being overly zealous after my surgery, the past few days have been rough. I've had severe heaviness in my chest (where my sternum and heart are) so that it's difficult and very painful to catch a full breath. I've also had extreme pain in my shoulders, neck and upper back; so much so, I needed to take a pain med (Tramadol). I don't like pain meds due to the constipation and other side effects it causes. But thankfully, my Father God has brought me through many excruciating trials throughout my life that though my body has a low pain tolerance, I have a high pain threshold. This gift from the Lord made it possible for me to only have to take one pain med the first day home and I've been able to manage these other days with Tylenol here and there. God always knows what's ahead and provides us with what we need...when we need it.

In a couple of weeks I'll have my first post-op visit with my Cardiac Electrophysiologist (CE) and the rep from St. Jude's Medical (where my pacemaker is from) to make sure the personal settings they made for my pacemaker are working well for me, and to review the readings from my pacemaker to decide if, in conjunction with my pacemaker, I'll need heart meds to control my episodes of SVTs (supraventricular tachycardia), PACs (premature atrial contractions) and PVCs (premature ventricular contractions) caused by my heart arrhythmia: sick sinus syndrome. Both my Cardiologist and CE diagnosed me with sick sinus syndrome from the readings of my 14-day heart monitor. From this report, they discovered that I was having more bouts of bradycardia than the other arrhythmias (which was causing my lightheadedness, dizziness and near fainting spells). The pacemaker only controls my bradycardia, so my prayer is that the LORD isn't allowing enough of those other arrhythmias to occur so that medication is not needed to control them. But again, I am the Lord's handmaiden, let all things be done to me as He pleases. I know that whatever God wills is better than whatever I will.

Joy in the Lord

In the hopes that I might daily use and not waste the spiritual gifts God has given me, one of my constant prayers is Romans 1:11-12, "For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine." because I never know when I'll be with a fellow believer. One of the unique joys of being a child of the Most High God is the blessing of unpretentious, altruistic and beautiful fellowship with other saints in Christ Jesus, everywhere I go (1 Pet 1:22).

I had my hospital tract bag filled with books, DVDs, CDs and tracts so that I would be ready to exhort saints to press on and share the Gospel with the lost.

Right from the beginning, I was able to encourage and be encouraged by the faith of my phlebotomist and nurse who did the pre-surgery prep work for me. They shared personal details and concerns about their lives and the Lord allowed me to share His Word with them as only He knew they needed at that moment (Eph 4:29, another one of my constant prayers). My precious nurse had been a missionary in Tanzania for six years and has only been back in the U.S. for the past year. We discussed much about how every Christian is called to be a missionary—to share the Gospel, no matter where God puts us, in Tanzania, here in our country, as a nurse or as a patient. I gave her "God Has a Wonderful Plan For Your Life" (by Ray Comfort) to encourage her. We exchanged contact info and we're already planning on our next fellowship together! She told me she's enjoying the book and Ray's message regarding evangelism. It's such an incredible blessing to know that in Christ, I have the riches of His kingdom that I may freely and generously share with others.

Neither where we live for a time nor what position God grants us for a time, should be wasted. All that we are, wherever we are and whatever we do, we ought to do for God's pleasure and glory alone; for this is our strength and joy—our joy in the Lord (1 Jn 5:3)!

My Father God also blessed me with the joy of meeting a brother in Christ, my anesthesiologist. We shared how we're mutually inspired to share the the saving Gospel of Jesus Christ and how we both love and appreciate all the witnessing tools and resources Ray makes available through his ministry, Living Waters Publications. He told me how encouraged he's been by our brother Ray's ministry and asked me to relay a message of great thanks to Ray for his faithfulness and love for Christ and all those He came to save. So my Romans 1:11-12 prayer extended all the way to California and I was glad for it!

My anesthesiologist and I chatted about our mutual love and faith in Christ all the way up to the point of him putting me to sleep. As I began to fall asleep, I prayed that the Lord would help me (as He's done before) to share the Gospel, whether or not I'm fully conscience. Because I'm never completely lucid while in the recovery room, I can't recall all that I said and did, but I do recall asking those around me (I don't know how many were there because my eyes were still closed, but I heard multiple voices), "Do you know Jesus Christ?" There were varied responses and I don't remember if I got to share the entire Gospel, but I do recall saying, "You must repent and believe...there's nothing more important than your eternal salvation." I also remember repeating that multiple times and I'm not sure if I was talking to the same person/people. But I was grateful that the LORD granted me my request and I pray that the seed He gave me to sow was on the soft and tendered hearts that He's prepared to receive and believe the Gospel.

"This message [the Gospel] is not supposed to make us tame and comfortable. Christ crucified and raised for our justification is intended to unleash us, embolden us, and put us to work. Christianity is much more about serious adventure than sentimentalized safety. It is much more about faith in suffering than ease in prosperity. It is much more about death—death to sin and self—than it is about personal affirmation and precious moments."

-Dr. Owen Strachan, Tabletalk Magazine, August 2015 issue

Sadly today, we have too many "Christian Picnickers" and too few "Christian Runners". Our lives are but a mist and none of us are guaranteed our next breath. Just because I'm so obviously ill doesn't mean I will die before you will. No one takes one breath more or one breath less than God has ordained before the foundation of the world (Ps 139:16). And we ought not take that truth lightly or forget it altogether. Rather, we ought to embrace all that God has spoken to us through His Word and make the most of every moment we have for the glory and pleasure of our Savior, instead of indulging ourselves with personal affirmations and self-centered desires and fears.

My prayer is that God uses everything...everything that He's given me: my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, my time, my money, my talents, my spiritual gifts, my social media platforms, my writings, my errands, my broken body, and every conversation, to be something that's beautiful in His sight (Mk 14:6). And I pray this for everyone who claims Christ as their Savior; that we would all hunger and thirst for righteousness, and like our Father God, that our hearts would be filled with compassion for the lost. Don't waste another breath. Don't waste another vacation, errand, telemarketing call, etc. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and generously give others what you profess you're grateful for—Christ, given to you by God, as a propitiation for your sins, so that you may have eternal life in His Son.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

-Psalm 73:26, ESV

Psalm 73:25 says, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you." Both verses 25 and 26 resonate the song of my literal and figurative heart; for God alone makes my physical heart beat, and He alone made my figurative heart alive in Christ. Without the LORD I wouldn't have physical or spiritual life...and neither would anyone else.

This past Friday, my Cardiac Electrophysiologist confirmed that I have an uncommon heart arrhythmia called sick sinus syndrome (SSS). What this means is that my heart can no longer keep a steady rhythm because it's "sick".

The power and comfort of God's hand in mine

Season by season, I watch Him amazed

In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways

All I have need of His hand will provide

He's always been faithful to me

"I can't remember one single regret

In serving God only and trusting His hand

I can't remember a trial or a pain

He did not recycle to bring me gain

All I have need of His hand will provide

He's always been faithful to me

"This is my anthem, and this is my song

The theme of the stories

I've heard for so long

God has been faithful; He will be again

His loving compassion—it knows no end

And all I have need of, His hand will provide

"He's always been faithful

He's always been faithful

"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father

There is no shadow of turning with Thee

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be."

If God meant my salvation to be solely for the purpose of me knowing Him, fellowshiping with Him and fellow saints in spirit and in truth, then why am I still here? Because really, I can do all these things in Heaven. If these things were God's sole purpose, then God, who wastes nothing, would have let me die and called me to glory right after He gave me eternal life in Jesus Christ.

But He didn't. Why?

Because God's sole purpose in saving me wasn't just so I could go to church, remain in a Christian bubble and enjoy fellowship with Him and other believers. God's purpose in saving me and leaving me here on earth was so I could be salt and light to the world—an ambassador of Christ—holding fast to the Word of life in a crooked and perverse generation (Mt 5:13-16, Php 2:14-16).

My Father God has mercifully and abundantly given me the treasures of Heaven through the abiding life of Jesus Christ within me. To have Christ is to have everything. There is nothing greater in this life or the next. To know Christ as my Savior, to be claimed by Him as His own, to be loved perfectly in His holiness and righteousness, to be established as a child of the Most High God—provides the most infinite pleasures of being alive.

Because I have the greatest of all treasures (Jesus Christ) in this jar of clay (my body), though I might feel deep sorrow for the sad news I received this past Wednesday about my heart, I am not left to wallow in the cavernous pit of self, but I am given the great privilege to cry out to my Father and my God in the midst of my affliction. And as Christ did for His disciples when He walked this earth, He still does for us today...He immediately lifts us from sinking in our circumstances (Mt 14:29-31) and fixes our eyes back on Him...where they belong. So when I was told a few days ago that I have an uncommon heart arrhythmia called sick sinus syndrome on top of all my other ailments, and needed a pacemaker, I was disheartened that my tent (my body) continues to rapidly fall apart. But when I cried out the my Father God, as He promised, His Holy Spirit brought to mind all that Jesus has already taught me through His Word, and I was strengthened.

It seems I have many "uncommon" or rare diseases and conditions that constantly put me in the peculiar position of sharing with medical staff and others, why I believe the Lord has allowed these painful health issues to infiltrate my life. For example, when my Cardiologist confirmed what my Cardiac Electrophysiologist already told me the week prior (but I didn't want to believe him), that I needed a pacemaker, he said, "The reason why you need your arrhythmia treated with a pacemaker and possibly with a beta-blocker as well, is because you don't want to be driving down the highway at 65 mph and pass out, or go into cardiac arrest." I said, "Yes, that occurred to me after I had to swallow my pride about not wanting a pacemaker and get back on heart meds at age 46. But when I considered the possibility that my pride might cause injury or death to someone else, I was ready to receive whatever you were going to say I needed. I trust the Lord to speak through you." He quickly responded, "Well, you don't want to injure yourself either. I mean, you want to see 47, don't you?" I smiled and said nothing because I had already explained to him before that no matter what trials come in this life, including one that may take my life, Christ is always with me so I'm not concerned for myself, but for those who may not know Him.

I'm in a win-win situation; others may not be.

When I wonder why I am still here and why I can't go Home yet, rather than remain in my whining state, I speak the words of God to myself; some that I've shared here, and many others I've shared elsewhere. And when I turn away from looking at myself and my circumstances and lift my eyes to the hills where my help comes from—from the Maker of heaven and earth, I am where my soul most delights to be...at the feet of Jesus.

"Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God."

-2 Corinthians 7:1, ESV

It's been a while since I've shared anything about my physical health (my last post was in November 2014). Perhaps you thought the Lord healed me from my serious health afflictions...but He hasn't...yet. And that's okay with me.

I'm now entering my 11th year of constant and often debilitating pain, extreme fatigue, seven surgeries in seven years (my most recent was a few weeks ago). I'm also still adding new specialists to my already large repertoire (an Endocrinologist, Cardiac Electrophysiologist, Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon, and more). In addition to all this, it looks as if I'm going to need at least one more, and possibly two surgeries this year (one for my hyperparathyroidism and the other for a cardiac pacemaker).

The reason it's been so long since I've shared anything about my continually declining health, is because I've wrongly concluded that it's better for me to encourage you rather than burden you with my seemingly, never-ending litany of trials. But when I was discussing this issue with my oldest son earlier today, I realized how wrong I've been not to share more about my weaknesses; because how then, can anyone see Christ's power manifested perfectly in me (2 Cor 12:9-10)?

Though our Father God has graciously allowed me to keep my heart and mind focused on the things eternal rather than on the things temporal—like my physical health, it's wrong of me not to share the pains of this journey with you. So please forgive me.

I want so much for you to be strengthened in your faith, to keep your sights vertical rather than horizontal, that I've neglected to show you how to do that when you're in the trenches...in the heat of the battle between your flesh's desire and your renewed desire to please and honor the Lord.

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God. For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry. With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you; but they will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this is why the gospel was preached even to those who are dead, that though judged in the flesh the way people are, they might live in the spirit the way God does."

-1 Peter 4:1-6, ESV

Because the focus of what I do is not for physical results (comfort and healing), my hope is not deferred and my fervor is not exhausted. Part of my daily regime is to eat healthy, exercise five to six days a week (though it's painful and makes me very ill), drink about 72 ounces of water plus juice daily, and do more than my doctors ask. I don't practice these disciplines because I love my body and want nothing more than to be healed, I do them because I love Christ and know my body belongs to Him, and not me (Gal 2:20).

Some people wrongly assume because I'm so disciplined, it means I'm not tempted by my sinful flesh to gratify it, rather than honor Christ. But I am often tempted and sometimes give into my temptations to be lazy and do nothing; to be mediocre, rather than do all things with excellence as unto the Lord. I'm constantly tempted by my flesh to be so self-absorbed, that at times, I more resemble a black-hole, than a light to the world.

I could use God's grace as an excuse to remain enslaved to my fleshly desires (saying, "I'm only human", "God's not finished with me yet" or "I'm a work in progress"), or I could avail the great and wonderfully freeing gift from God given only to Christians—repentance. My confidence in my Father's forgiveness endows me with spiritual strength to persevere; to run my course and to finish well with urgency, rather than be satisfied with complacency (1 Jn 1:9, Rom 5:1-5).

Sadly, this is not the same experience all professing Christians know and understand. Some who profess Christ as their Lord and Savior live like they're their own lord and savior. They praise Jesus when things go well. And they may even praise Jesus and express trust when trials come their way. But when God's refining fire tests their faith over an extended period of time, their false profession and fruitless deeds are consumed by God's holiness (1 Cor 13:5). As Jesus says, there are those who hear the Gospel and joyfully receive it, but once painful trials come their way, they turn away from the Word rather than turn to it (Lk 8:13).

Those who do not truly know God only "love" Him when they think they can get something by claiming association with Him; including false piety. But when the show of false piety during difficult times gets old, their quick and easy profession of trust in Jesus, just as quickly, produces self-righteous demands, even arrogantly accusing God of not keeping His promises.

Throughout Scripture, we see how our gracious and merciful Father God uses even the fall of man that brought sin and suffering to this world, as a tool to reveal to us where we truly stand with Him: still in our self-righteous sin, or justified by the righteous works of Christ (Gen 3:24, Rom 5:16).

Those who are truly saved will never turn away from God or accuse Him of wrongdoing. Rather, they will turn all the more to Him, crying out to Him night and day, seeking to repent of any sins that are obvious or oblivious to them; begging God to help them see Him clearly and love Him more dearly. Those who abide in Christ will hunger and thirst for righteousness and look to the LORD for help rather than try to seek comfort from unbelievers who can only provide temporal remedies for our physical bodies, but can offer no real comfort for our eternal souls.

I don't remain true to God because I'm holier than others. I remain true to God because I'm keenly aware of the wretch that I am; the utter depravity of my sinful heart and mind, and my growing ineptness to do anything worthy of being called good by the only One who is good. Because I'm so desperately insecure in myself and often terrified of what others think of me or might say or do to me, I cling to Christ all the more and desire to remain hid in Him because He is my Strong Tower—the only place I can be me and feel completely safe, compassionately accepted, perfectly loved, and profoundly secure.

My faith and the life I live are not strong because of me. My faith and life are strong because of the One who holds and owns them both—Jesus Christ the Lord (Gal 2:20).

As I continue to struggle physically and spiritually—to live a life that most pleases, honors and glorifies the Lord, I often grow weary of the fight and am tempted to give up. But when I cry out to the LORD, He lifts me from my miry pit and sets my feet on solid ground (Mt 11:28-30, Ps 40:1-3). If you do the same, you will receive same because I don't have any more of Jesus than you do (Gen 4:6-7). As Burk Parsons wisely said,"We don't need more of Jesus, just less of self. We already have all of Jesus."

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us. but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness! Why should the nations say, 'Where is your God?' Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."

-Psalm 115:1-3; 121:1-2, ESV

It continually amazes me when professing Christians behave like unbelievers—insulted by God's Word, repulsed by discipline and loving reproof (or strong rebuke when necessary), and deferring to their feelings rather than the Word of God. It also amazes me that when acts of sacrificial love are demonstrated, the instant a feeling is hurt (not a sin committed mind you), how quickly love is forgotten for the deception of sin-founded feelings. What compounds this egregious manifestation of self-centeredness and ingratitude, is the expectation that one should conform to the likeness and feelings of another person rather than be conformed in every way, to the image of Christ Jesus the Lord.

"Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the LORD; be assured, he [or she] will not go unpunished...Righteous lips are the delight of a king, and he loves him who speaks what is right."

-Proverbs 16:5, 13 (ESV)

I suppose the key word in all of this is "professing". As Jesus Himself states, many will say they know the Lord, but only a few will find and walk the narrow way, and thus, enter the narrow gate to eternal life. For it isn't those who profess they are Christians, but those who actually abide in the Lord Jesus and obey His commandments and follow Him (1 Jn 5:2-5).

"As He said these things, a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said to Him, 'Blessed is the womb that bore You, and the breasts at which You nursed!' But He said, 'Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!'

"And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever."

-Luke 11:27-28, 1 John 2:17 (ESV, emphasis mine)

In the original Greek the word keep in Luke 11:28 is φυλάσσω (transliterated phylassō), which means: to guard; to take care not to violate; to observe. Therefore, it is clear in this verse as well as  many others throughout the Old and New Testaments, that God plainly states it is not through familial heritage, nor from human exertion nor individual profession that one is truly saved. It is by God's sovereign choosing that anyone is saved from His wrath. The LORD has always proved who are truly His by stating that His children are those who love the truth, repent when rebuked (not always right way, but soon thereafter), and strive to do whatever is necessary to continually bear the good fruit of Jesus Christ—that is, preaching the Gospel of God's grace to a lost and dying world, and exhorting the saints in Christ to deny ourselves (including our feelings and opinions that don't align with Scripture) daily, and follow Jesus in the way of holiness (Mt 16:24, Lk 14:33).

"And a highway shall be there, and it shall be called the Way of Holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it. It shall belong to those who walk on the way; even if they are fools, they shall not go astray."

-Isaiah 35:8 (ESV, emphasis mine)

Because the LORD our God is faithful, those He truly saves are those whom He keeps in His love. And because we are kept in God's love, He disciplines us when we stray so that even if we are fools, we will still walk in holiness. Being kept in God's love by God Himself, is what causes us to actually do what He says rather than merely agree with what He says; for even Satan agrees that the Lord is one and shudders (Is 29:13, James 2:19).

I'm not saying that once we're saved, we've been made perfect and will never sin again. What I am saying is that I only echo what the Apostle Paul was inspired by the Holy Spirit to write in Philippians 3:12-14, "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." In this passage, the Apostle Paul mentions twice that he has not obtained perfection, that is, no longer sins or struggles with sin. Rather, Paul states that because he is saved by God's grace and not by man's works (that could never earn him salvation anyway), he is exuberantly grateful to the LORD for taking hold of him, and therefore, passionately desires to take a hold of all that God has called him to in Christ Jesus—to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Mt 6:33).

Therefore it is evident from the word and righteous precepts of God that anyone who habitually lives in their feelings; those who trust in themselves and how they feel, and balk at any godly counsel is more than likely not saved, or at best, is in desperate need of strong rebuke and discipline so they may not continue to walk in the sin of their flesh, but walk in the holiness of the Spirit.

For those of you today, who are reading this and have been a victim of friendly-fire (Christians assaulting Christians), then be encouraged, you are not alone. As a matter of fact, you're in good company. The Old Testament prophets, Jesus our Lord, the Apostles and disciples of Jesus then and now; those who run hard after God, are always being bullied, lied and gossiped about by the idle saints in Christ (if they are in truly in Christ, only God knows). They jeer at you because your righteous living and pursuit of holiness shines a bright light and reveals their hidden sins.

Do not despair nor be dismayed, for the LORD our God is in your midst, and He is the mighty one who will save those who do what is right, from those who do wrong. Whether God gives us justice on this side of Heaven or the next, we can be encouraged because we know that our lives here are a mist and what we're building and storing, is for eternity. Therefore remain steadfast and immovable in the Lord, His commandments, and His precepts. Let no one bully you into submitting to man's ways and preferences, but look to Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of your faith; knowing that your pursuit for His pleasure and glory alone is what's most beautiful in His sight (Mk 14:6).